I just sat there while you laughed in my face- you said out loud you didn’t care but the laughing just seemed so cruel and unlike you.
Was my love so below you that it offered no value at all?
You were incapable of being vulnerable and it remained your biggest flaw. It kept you away from so much, it kept you away from me.
Many things had changed over the years but your inability to let someone in stayed as solid as the cold stone that was your heart.
I wanted to tell you how every night I dreamed about you, of places we would go, things we do and endless memories we would make.
I wanted to tell you I dreamed of our wedding day, dreamed of our unborn children, dreamed of our entire lives together.
I wanted to tell you but if I did you would ruin them and my precious dreams were all that remained now.
Your exit was sharp and clean. You didn’t want to wait around to see the mess you had created. My love for you like a shattered vase on the floor, any small movement I would cut myself and I would feel the pain burning my entire body as I tried to nurture the wounds you left behind🖤
As far back as I could remember I choose food as my pain reliever. Eating anything and everything to try and fill a void, an emptiness inside me I had no idea how to fill.
For so many people food is a drug, a numbing agent and a self destructive weapon we willing use on ourselves everyday.
For years I successfully managed to avoid mirrors and full length pictures as often as possible- convinced if I didn’t see myself then I wouldn’t have to deal with how big I had gotten.
It wasn’t one of those over night wake up calls to make me realize something had to change. When I started my journey it was because I’d hit rock bottom and felt like I was drowning in life. I had nothing to hang on to and when someone offered me a free personal training consultation it felt like someone had thrown me a life raft just in time. I didn’t even think about it, I just grabbed on and it ended up saving my life.
I still want to make changes to my body, loose more weight, build more muscle and complete more fitness challenges but it helps me to remind myself from time to time just how far I’ve come.
I’m still learning to swim but atleast I’m no longer drowning 💙
Life can really back you into a corner sometimes. I have a lot going on in my personal life right now and the stress, the uncertainty and the feeling of helplessness really takes its toll.
You can’t always control what happens to you and you can’t always control the way people treat you but you can control you reactions and responses to those situations.
Last night I felt like an absolute beast doing this move- the sweat was pouring off me and those bands were a little bitch but damn I felt strong! 😝
However on my 3rd round of 20 I asked my trainer @benefitraining to record me. I told him I would do 10 then I’d need a break- you can’t tell because of the length of the video but when I got to 10 reps my trainer simply told me to keep my back straight. So I straightened my back and kept going- all the way to 20 before stopping.
As simple as it was to be told to keep my back straight it had a huge impact on me in that moment. When anything in life gets hard if we curl up in a ball and bend down to it life will consume us and we loose not only our strength but we can’t see ahead of ourselves either.
Keeping my back straight, my head up and pushing through the pain and discomfort means I can go further and fight back against my own belief that I can’t do it or that I have to give up half way through.
So for anyone who takes the time to read this- don’t give you on yourself, you are so much stronger than you even realize. 💪🏻